Another Day, Another Diary

I cant count how many times Ive felt like this and how many times Ive gone to the computer and signed up to blogging websites. Too many. But here we are, another day, another blog.

I used to keep paper diaries, heck I have a stack of them up in my cupboard. I loved paper diaries. Flicking back through entries made years ago, reading about your problems, the ones that seemed oh so important back then but now seem so trivial. Admiring your childlike handwriting and worries, reliving old memories. But as well as loving them, I hate them too. A paper diary is like evidence, its something physical and easily trackable. I dont want anyone to come across my most private thoughts.

So what brings me to start this new blog. Life does.

My life is in a shambles right now. I have a marriage thats practically falling apart. My sex life is non existant (as long as you dont count the sex I have with the many plastic phallic implements I keep tucked in a pillowcase under my bed). I have a good education but no job and every day my life seems to get worse and worse. Im sure that people reading this right now and there are plenty of other people in the world out there far worse off then me, but Im feeling down ok.

So where did this road to ruin begin? Well I think it began many many many years ago. I married my first boyfriend, my first love. Inexperienced in all things life and relationships I made the decision to jump into the deep end without really thinking things through. After 10 long and hard years we are still together but I feel like its only together because neither of us has the motivation or drive to end it and have to deal with the consequences of a failed marriage. I have two children, whom I love dearly (at times).

I have a few college and university degrees, gained throughout my parental years, one with which the process was long and brought about a lot of other problems and greately contributed to this path of destruction Im on now.

In 2001 I decided to persue my dream of teaching. I enrolled in university and began the 4 year stint that would in the end lead me to having my dream job. Well that didnt go smoothly. In 2002 I gave birth to my second child and took time off from uni. After having him I have suffered depression causing me to drop out, re-enrol and drop out time and time again. And so, 8 years after beginning my degree I have finished it and its not what I expected it would be. Im unemployed and sinking fast.

I had a job, told everyone in my family I had finished my degree a few years back, a secret, a lie I have continued to feed them. I would make excuses for why I wasnt teaching. And after all this lying I made the descion to finally finish it so I wouldnt have deal with the lying any more. And so I was forced to resign from my job to finish my degree.

I finished and graduated in July. Its now November and Im still out of work and severely struggling. I have bills that continually mount higher and higher. Im not even making ends meet anymore. Im robbing peter to pay paul and then having to try to calm paul down.

I dont know how much longer I can do this.

I look around and see so many people better off than me and my family. Here I am with a good degree, I should have a good job, a well paying job. I should be the one living it up, having a nice house, nice furniture, clothes, being able to go places, by my kids the things they want. Instead Im not and its totally bugging me.